Fatherland Premiere Screening

There will be a free Fatherland premiere screening Saturday, May 19 at 2:30pm in the Folino Family Theater at Marion Knott Studios in Orange, CA.

The film technically debuted as part of a showcase of short films on May 4, but the May 19 showing is more of an official premiere for cast, crew, etc. I am unable to be there, but wanted to encourage anybody in the area to stop by and check it out.

Fatherland is a short film I wrote which was directed by Rob Warzecha. It's set on a farm in Eastern Germany in the closing days of WWII, and centers on the strained relationship between a father and son. It is in German and Russian with English subtitles.

Following the May 19 screening, the film will likely hit the festival circuit. For more details on any upcoming screenings, check out the official Fatherland Web site.

Fatherland online

The official Web site is now online for Fatherland, a short film I wrote which was directed by Robert Warzecha.

My script is based on an existing story, set in Eastern Germany in the closing days of World War II. The script was written in English and then translated to be performed by a German and Russian speaking cast. It was filmed in the fall of 2006 and is currently in post production.

The Web site already contains stills and other information about the film. It will be updated with a trailer and screening dates in the near future.

Wild Rose Film Festival

My short film Personal will be making its world premiere (outside of Chapman University) at the 2006 Wild Rose Film Festival in Des Moines. Personal stars TV's Alex Fernandez as a lonely man who places personal ads, but then must take action when a woman literally appears on his doorstep.

I've also been nominated for Best Director of a Mini-Pic for Personal. The festival defines "Mini-Pic" as any film less than 10 minutes in length.

But wait ... there's more. My short film The Persecution of Al Kida will also be screening at the festival. Having previously screened at the Cedar Rapids Film Festival and on TV as part of the Iowa Independent Filmmaker Showcase, this should cement the film's star, TV's Dan Cole, as a household name in the state of Iowa.

The festival runs Wednesday, Oct. 18 through Sunday, Oct. 22. Both Personal and Al Kida will screen during a series of short films on Friday, Oct. 20, beginning at 5:15pm. Tickets are available for individual screenings or for the entire festival, with more info at: http://www.ariesworks.com/schedule.html All screenings take place at The Fleur Cinema & Cafe.

New York Short Short Film Festival

The Persecution of Al Kida is an Official Selection for the New York Short Short Film Festival. It will screen at 3:45pm at the Anthology Film Archive Theater in Manhattan.

The festival showcases films of less than five minutes in length. Categories include Music Video, Documentary and Animation. My film will be competing in the Narrative category.

So, if you're in the Lower East Side of Manhattan this Saturday, May 20, why not check it out? Then afterwards, you can mill around the lobby and talk loudly about how great my film was.

TV Script Quarter Finalist

This morning I learned I was a quarter finalist for the Scriptapalooza TV writing competition. My script was a half-hour spec for Scrubs titled "My Grown-up Pants." It's the first television script I've ever entered into a competition, so I'm very happy with the result.

Iowa Independent Filmmaker Showcase

My short film The Persecution of Al Kida is screening on television throughout Iowa as part of the Iowa Independent Filmmaker Showcase. It is featured in Episode 1 of the series, which is airing on the Mediacom Connections channel. The series premeired in January and continues to air in February. Dates and times vary by market, so I suggest checking your local listings.

I also reccomend checking out 'Round Midnight, a short documentary by my friend and fellow filmmaker Andy Brodie, which is featured in the same episode.

A walking tune

I just got aboard the MP3 player bandwagon, and my little white jukebox is taking me back to my college days. And not just because I downloaded a bunch of Guided By Voices.

What’s really taking me back is the fact that I can take my player with me. Walking across campus, running an afternoon trip to the Post Office – I’ve always got music. And that makes listening a completely different experience.

I used to be a Walkman junkie. In fact, my relationship with handheld music boxes goes all the way back to around the third grade, when my parents bought me a little red FM radio. I had a habit of waking up very early in the morning, and the radio and headset were a great companion.

A few years later I entered the workforce as a paperboy, and soon after got my first Walkman. Walking the same route and lugging a sack of newspaper is a dull way to spend an afternoon, but it’s a much more tolerable experience with music. Those were some formative years, and I’m not proud of the playlist. Bon Jovi, NWA, maybe even a little Paula Abdul thrown in. Then there were the three months or so when I listened to nothing but Appetite for Destruction. I still know every lyric and believe Nighttrain is one of the greatest rock songs of all time.

Through high school and into college, my Walkman stayed on my hip just about anywhere I walked. Whenever I remember the long hike between campus and my dorm, the soundtrack is crunching snow and indie rock.

My walking soundtrack ended soon after, thanks to the compact disc. Sure, I bought a Discman. Didn’t you? Not only did I buy one, I bought into the witch doctoring called "skip protection." At least until I walked out the door and my music started stuttering like a teenage boy in front of a pretty girl.

I didn’t go cold turkey, but my music collection migrated to CD and the only way to listen to a CD was to stand completely still. So it’s been a good seven years or so since I’ve carried my tunes around with me.

It’s not just that a well-picked album hits the spot – that’s true on foot, in the car or in the living room. When I’m walking, there’s nothing else to focus on but the music. That leads to those discoveries that make good music a necessity for good living. Ever since I started listening to my MP3 player, I’m reminded of all the discoveries that came while I was walking.

The first dozen or so times I heard "Desolation Row," it seemed like just a series of clever observations. Then one day, I was passing Alumni Hall at Iowa State when I really heard that last verse. I could try to tell you what it means, but I think it’s better if you just listen to the song. And I suggest you listen while you’re taking a walk.

Outside Baseball

I'm proud to announce my affiliation with a new baseball blog, Outside Baseball. We aim to give The Lord's Game the consideration and scrutiny it deserves, but so rarely recieves from the barking dogs of talk radio. I hope you will make it a regular destination.

Tragic Communication

Like many people, I went to sleep last night believing twelve of the thirteen West Virginia miners survived the mine explosion, only to learn this morning they had not. But as I watch network news correspondents asking mine officials what went wrong, I for one want to ask these news agencies the same thing.

It’s obvious there was a tragic miscommunication between rescue crews and the families of the miners. But what about the miscommunication between network news and millions of viewers?

Late last night, NBC (and I’m sure their peers as well) ran a ticker announcing that twelve of the miners were alive. Did that mean they were alive and out of the mine, or alive and still trapped? It was all a bit vague. So I swallowed my better judgment and flipped to CNN for details. Handsome Anderson Cooper stood right beside the mine, but he didn’t know anything else either. Of course, that didn’t stop these news whores from reporting obviously sketchy information as fact and bringing out their resident "experts" for even more speculation.

I shouldn’t be surprised. The transition from "get it right" to "get it first" has been in motion for years, but even at this low ebb of news reporting last night’s events seem pretty egregious.

The Writing Archive

Suck.com
From 2000 to 2001, I was a regular contributor to Suck, one of the first editorial content sites online, under the pseudonym Alice The Camel. My Contributor Page links to my full-length features. I also wrote a number of the brief Hit & Run pieces that ran during that time.

Ames Tribune
You can read any of my columns for the Ames Tribune here. I also wrote movie reviews, arts features and covered the education beat. Those articles are searchable through the Tribune Archive.

Los Angeles Times Community Editions
I covered the police beat in Burbank & Glendale. Those hard news stories have been moved around as the paper has rebranded its local coverage over the years, but can currently be found in this archive.

Iowa State Daily
My weekly column was syndicated by U-Wire. I also served as Arts & Entertainment Editor and covered a variety of beats. You can read any of it in the archive.

The Effenheimer
The online site I co-founded which aimed to be The Onion of college newspapers. Long since vanished from the interwebs, most pieces remain through the Web Archive. I also wrote a remembrance of our little baby and times past.

Other Freelance Pieces
They Love the 60's for Film Threat
Unfortunately, pieces for Feed Magazine, Television Week, MLB.com and others are no longer available online.

My Political Beliefs

These were my results from an online test of political beliefs. I was in the same box as Ghandi, so I figure that's a good thing. But I was also pretty close to Bono, so I can't rule out the possibility that I am a giant tool. You are a Social Liberal and an... Economic Liberal You are best described as a: Socialist Link: The Politics Test on OkCupid Free Online Dating Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

The Stock Racist

Few things sink a film as fast as a two-dimensional stock character, be it the gay best friend, the renegade cop or the hooker with the heart of gold. But in the last few months I've discovered a new stock character who’s soiling the screen. I’m talking about The Racist.

I’ve known some fairly racist individuals, but I’ve never met anyone like The Racist of modern cinema, who struts around with guns blazing and a racial slur tattooed on his forehead.

It started when I finally saw Paul Haggis’ film Crash. It’s a film about race, and it certainly had some powerful moments, but several characters seemed to be speaking the subtext of bigotry rather than anything I could believe as dialogue. I believe that many white people feel intimidated when they’re approached by young black men; I don’t believe they turn to their companions and say, "these young black men are probably criminals."

Crash isn’t that over-the-top, but at times it veered pretty close. In one particular scene, Don Cheadle’s character meets with a white political operative who throws out black stereotypes like he’s talking about the Knicks game. It’s so brazen that the scene feels like an indictment of bigots rather than a portrayal of one.

It’s that indictment quality that really makes these Racist characters so insufferable. Not that racism shouldn’t be indicted, but most actors or writers worth a damn will tell you that if you judge a character while you’re creating them all you’ll get is cardboard.

Another film long on my to-see list, A Day Without a Mexican, tried to construct an entire film around the stock Racist. The ingenious plot, that one morning all Mexicans living in America suddenly vanish, is spoiled by the banal honkeys left in the wake. It’s a world where uber-ignorant millionaires spew vitriol about Mexicans while their Mexican housekeeper serves them breakfast.

The Racist character has apparently never been to a mandatory staff meeting on multiculturalism, or for that matter ever been told that "wet back" isn’t a term one should shout at the mall food court. It just doesn’t reflect anything I’ve seen in the real world.

There are plenty of racists – don’t get me wrong. But racism tends to be right below the surface. The manager at Denny’s may not hire the black kid, but he’s not so likely to announce to the wait staff "I’m not hiring this kid because he’s black." The Racist character on the other hand is more than happy to make such a proclamation, then go back to shining his belt buckle.

It’s not just that the covert racist is more real, from a writing standpoint he’s a hell of a lot more interesting. Show me a character who says exactly what they feel and I’ll show you a boring ass film. Unfortunately, that’s what I’ve been seeing.

Must See TV

Have you seen R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet" music video, "urban opera," or whatever the hell it is? If not, you make damn sure that you do.

I realize this thing was released over the summer, so please excuse my belated awe. But if, like me, your finger's not on the hip-hop pulse, you are in for a treat. "Trapped in the Closet" is like a movie serial mixed with the worst song you've ever heard in your life.

In twelve parts, R. Kelly narrates a story by singing everything that's happening on screen exactly as it's happening. As in: "I'm standing in the closet, now I'm opening the door..." Meanwhile, on screen, R. Kelly's character stands in a closet and opens a door. It's not so much storytelling as it is narrative for the blind.

The DVD goes even one step further, with interviews with the actors as their characters. So you can actually watch R. Kelly, with "Sylvester" on the bottom of the screen, say "yeah, I was standing in the closet. Then I opened the door."

As bad as the concept is, the story is worse. The epic serial seems to be about a group of people linked only by the fact that they're all cheating on their spouses with each other. After what Kelly obviously thinks is the gritty truth about love and human nature, the story reaches a moving climax when a midget shits himself. Seriously. But I guess it's the type of romantic advice you should expect from a guy who likes to pee on teenagers.

It's impossible to really describe "Trapped in the Closet." If you were to pause it at any point, and imagine the most ridiculous thing that could possibly happen, you would be surprised to resume and watch something even more absurd. It is so shockingly bad, only the wannabes at Rolling Stone could love it.

I've already said too much. If you want to watch a piece of pop culture trash so sad that you'll laugh, so funny that you'll cry, I cannot reccomend "Trapped in the Closet" highly enough.

A kidnapping by any other name...

I understand that journalists, like the rest of us, are often saddled with the bullshit terminology invented by the Government, particularly the Bush administration. It’s why this disaster in Iraq, titanic federal incompetence and human rights violations are called "Operation Enduring Freedom." But we’ve got to draw the line somewhere, and I think it’s got to be at "rendition."

"Rendition" is the word those heroes at the CIA have employed to describe their policy of pulling people off the street in Baghdad, Kabul (and probably Chicago) and flying them to secret bases around the world to interrogate them. That’s kidnapping, plain and simple. There’s just no other way to call it.

Not to get all high school graduation, but Webster’s dictionary defines "rendition" as … well, a lot of things – and none of them have to do with kidnapping. The closest definition seems to be "a surrender." Is that really what’s happening here? I suppose when you put a black bag over some guy’s head and throw them into the back of an unmarked van, the victim does "surrender." But to label that entire chain of events "rendition" is missing the forest for the giant pile of steaming bullshit.

Why not just rename assassination "happy love hugs." Is that any less ridiculous?

Fearless Leader has responded to questions about kidnapping by re-iterating that the United States does not torture, as if by the force of his declaration all photographic evidence to the contrary will disappear into the ether. But even if we give Dubya the benefit of the doubt, does that make things any better? Kidnapping people without even formal charges and flying them to secret prisons seems pretty damn reprehensible to me whether their nuts are hooked up to car batteries or not.

But as reprehensible as government officials have been in this whole affair, we don’t exactly come out smelling like a rose, either. We aren’t bound by royal decree to adopt the doublespeak of the Bush administration. Just because their corporate masters don’t like additional taxation of multi-millionaires doesn’t mean we all have to call it the "death tax."

And no matter what their internal memos and slippery press officers say, we sure as hell shouldn’t start calling kidnapping "rendition."

The not-so-awful Truth about Home Theaters

I can remain silent no longer. This will no doubt cost me whatever street cred I now have as a film aficionado and general person of taste. More and more people are shunning the Movie Theater to watch films on there ever more powerful home theater systems.

And I don’t think that’s a bad thing.

Patrick Goldstein’s article in today’s LA Times is only the latest to prophesy the end of the Movie Theater. For his part, Goldstein focuses on the impact on the business side of the equation, which I don’t doubt will be revolutionary. The Talent (writers, actors, etc.) get a ridiculously small cut of DVD revenue, so the move toward home exhibition will no doubt lead to some bloody contract negotiations.

But leave the business models to the suits. What I’m interested in is if going from the multiplex to the home theater is a bad thing for we the filmgoers.

Your local cinephile would have you believe this is catastrophic. They’re fond of pointing out that movie going has historically been a collective experience, something that can only truly be experienced in that idyllic darkened room where a hundred other people hold their breaths at the same moment. It’s a beautiful ideal, but I’m not so sure that it’s true, or that it has much to do with the experience of watching a movie.

First, the obvious: A lot of things about going to the movie theater suck. Cell phones, commercials, $7 popcorn – you know the litany of complaints. I think a lot of this gets overblown, and I’m not so sure that going to a movie is any more annoying than it ever was. But the point is that the ideal world of the darkened cinema rarely manifests itself.

Beyond quibbles over the moviegoing experience, I question the whole notion that the big dark roomful of strangers is essential to enjoying a film. I’ve been moved by films I saw in a theater, absolutely. But I’ve been moved at least as often by films I watched on a television set. The first time I saw Taxi Driver was on a 13" TV with the sound turned down low so as not to wake my friend’s parents. And it was amazing. To this day it’s one of the most powerful, striking films I’ve ever seen. And I’ve never watched it in a movie theater.

So if a film retains its impact outside a cinema, what’s the importance of that roomful of strangers? A movie may be more fun with a big group of people, but that’s true of most things – sports, drinking, sex. The cinephile’s love for the Movie Theater is as much about liking to hang out in crowds as it is about the experience of watching a film.

The one thing the theater has going for it is immersion. The whole thing about the darkness, a really big screen (if you can find one) – that is a great way to experience the film as intensely as possible. And that’s where home exhibition can fall short. Watching a movie with all the lights on, talking on the phone and balancing your checkbook. That’s a sub-par experience if ever there was one. And what’s this business of watching TV (and maybe movies) on an IPod? I’m not sure it’s possible to immerse yourself in a screen the size of my Visa card.

But the Home Theater Movement, if that’s what you want to call it, is actually working to correct many of the problems with watching a film NOT in a theater. A big screen television with a solid surround sound system can create an experience at least as intense as the AMC 16.

I don’t want to see theatrical exhibition disappear. There is something unique about that experience. But is it superior? Is it the ultimate, definitive way to enjoy a film? I don’t think so. I prefer to focus more on the film than on the room I watch it in.

Inside the NFL

I've known for quite a while how good Inside the NFL is, but until I re-subscribed to HBO a few months ago, I didn't really know how good Inside the NFL is.

I've been trying to get back into the NFL for a few years now. Back in the days before jobs, wives and other complications, I was your typical kid who knows everything that's going on in the NFL (and MLB, NBA, Big-10...). Over the years I've scaled back on everything except baseball, the Lord's game. But I have missed that kinship with the NFL. I tried Fantasy Football. I tried watching Fox NFL Sunday every week. Nothing really forged that connection - until I started watching Inside the NFL.

The main thing is the highlights. Inside the NFL puts together each highlight package with the cinematic gusto of NFL films. The segments are expertly edited, favoring cameras on the field and sidelines to the bland, "best plays via Tivo" approach of other networks. It gives the games an epic feel.

But as stirring as the visuals on Inside the NFL are, where the show really separates itself is on the audio side. Unlike every other NFL program on television, HBO's analyst desk isn't populated by ridiculous former players and their legion of drooling wannabes. Whether it's Chris Berman's banal pop culture references, Terry Bradshaw's "aw shucks" redundancies, or Michael Irvin's painful "I know what it's like to be a player" schtick, there's a lot being said but not much worth saying. Most of the commentators on the other networks are guys I wouldn't listen to at the bar, much less on my television.

If there were a network that presented every sporting event with commentary from Bob Costas, I would watch it. The man is intelligent, articulate and not afraid that being so will lose him any street cred. Cris Collinsworth is a formidible intellect himself, and it's great to see him liberated from the Bradshaw/Howie Long circus on Fox. As for Dan Marino and Chris Carter ... well ... let's just say they don't take anything away from Costas and Collinsworth.

There's a lot of good programming on HBO. But as great as Curb Your Enthusiasm, Extras, Real Sports and the rest are, Inside the NFL is worth the price of admission.

Don't criticize what you can't understand

If, as I did this morning, you hear the plaintive warble of Bob Dylan's "The Times They are a Changin'" coming from your television set - turn it off. Unless you happen to be watching Martin Scorcese's recent documentary, you are about to be treated to a commercial for Kaiser Permanente, and a musical mortal sin.

I'm not one of these puritanical music snobs who believes simply using the song in a commercial is an afront. If the man's got something to sell, he may as well play me some good music while he's doing it. But twisting Mr. Dylan's words, in possibly the most iconic rock song EVER, that's inexcusable.

If you haven't seen the atrocity, the commercial features some old bastard going about his daily routine. Eventually, we see him jogging and doing other healthy stuff, and the commercial ends with the words "Be Your Own Cause." You've got to be f***ing kidding me.

Be Your Own Cause? The message is clearly "wasn't it quaint when we used to have ideals? Now, let's just take care of ourselves." Who wrote this garbage, the Republican National Committee? Oh wait, they never had ideals. But I guess it's not enough that our defining national trait is egocentrism, now we have to elevate it to the level of idealism.

"What's that, you're an advocate for social change? Well, I'm an activist myself. I'm trying to drop 13 pounds from my ass."

Of course, it's exactly the same contradiction Tim Robbins spoofed in his brilliant film Bob Roberts, where a Republican politician/folk singer sings "The Times are Changin' Back." All Kaiser Permanente has done is remove irony.

Whether you're a college freshman standing on a street corner with an anti-war sign or just someone who occasionally questions the status quo, "The Times They are a Changin'" is a song that resonates with a sense of better days ahead. It's a song that thumbs its nose at cynicism and wears its heart on its sleeve. To poke fun at the song's earnestness for no better reason than to promote healthcare management, whatever that evil shit is, makes me sick.

This is the most offensive remarketing of a great song I can remember in a commercial, but it's far from the first. Do you think Iggy Pop's "Lust for Life" was a passion for Royal Carribean Cruises? Was "London Calling" the Clash to buy a Jaguar? Did Janis Joplin really want someone to buy her a "Mercedes Benz?" And what's with all these ads using Nick Drake songs? As if I'm not already thinking about suicide while I'm watching commercials.

It's really not that I mind good music in commercials. I'd rather listen to Bob Dylan than Jessica Simpson in any setting. But if advertisers want to handle the goods, they need to show some damned respect.

Vote No on Everything

As a service to readers living in the State of California, I feel it is my civic duty as a self-published, marginally-informed pundit to offer my endorsements for Tuesday’s special election: Vote No on Everything.

I’m not just suggesting Vote No in order to be rebellious or anarchistic. I’m not suggesting Vote No because it’s "cool." I suggest Vote No because ballot initiatives are lousy policy, giving the power to the people. And have you met the people? The people are morons.

In all seriousness, I understand why people like the idea of ballot initiatives. "Cast your vote and take back control from those pin-heads in (Sacramento, Des Moines, wherever)." But the fact is we live in a representative democracy. Unless we decide we want to head to our local church or elementary school on a weekly basis to vote for every piece of proposed legislation, all these initiatives do is tie the hands of our elected officials and create a mess down the road.

An example?

I was the education beat reporter in Ames, Iowa during a stretch of budget cuts. So I spent countless hours in the back of School Board and other committee meetings with a notepad, pencil and look of sheer boredom. But I did learn a few things.

Each school district’s budget, like the state budget itself, contains many programs that cannot be cut under any circumstances. The reason is often because they were mandated by ballot initiative. I’m sure the people who voted to mandate special education or after school programs felt they were doing a good thing – but there’s a problem. Nobody ever passes an initiative mandating math classes. After all, the school would never cut math classes, right? But when it’s time for budget cuts and all those special programs are untouchable, guess what gets the axe? No new protractors this fiscal year.

These mandatory spending bills are only one type of voter initiative, but they illustrate the larger problem with the system. Voter initiatives create rigid, often arbitrary barriers that are difficult to correct.

The sheer volume of the problem in California is staggering. Every ballot is weighed down by a series of often-conflicting initiatives. On last year’s ballot, Propositions 60 and 62 both dealt with whether or not voters should be allowed to vote for any candidate regardless of party affiliation in a primary election. Rather than one Proposition to which voters could vote yes or no, voters had to vote yes to one and no to the other oppositely worded proposition.

The result? 14 percent of voters voted either yes or no for both. That’s a lot of confused voters dictating state policy.

And let’s not forget the most offensive voter initiative in recent memory – the California recall election. Governor Gray Davis was removed from office by the same voters who elected him just a year before. Was there corruption? Had Gray Davis broken the law? No. Voters just didn’t like him that much and/or wanted to see Arnold f***ing Schwarzenegger in office. So now we’ve got a buffoon muscle man in office while our economy continues to tank. Thanks, voters.

I for one am sick of sorting through the mess of ballot initiatives and even more sick of the horrible legislation they create. So from now on, I’ll Vote No on everything. Measures I support, measures I oppose – it doesn’t matter. I’ll Vote No on the entire, broken process.

Coming Down is the Hardest Thing

I generally don’t buy into the notion that kids these days have it easier than in the old days. Are things different now? Certainly. But when people lament that "things ain’t like they used to be" they tend to employ a pretty selective memory. That said, this business of canceling school the day after Halloween ain’t the way things used to be.

I’m aware of at least a handful of districts in Southern California that cancelled elementary classes on Tuesday because the kids would be too hopped up on sugar to concentrate. Maybe this has gone on in the past, but this is the first I’ve heard of it. My reaction: What a load of bullshit.

I don’t doubt the candy rush makes these schools more like methadone clinics on Nov. 1. But I say that’s all the more reason to get these children to school, where they can get the help they need. If anything, the schools should bring in more drug counselors for all the kids who start crying, fighting or soiling themselves. If an addict is going to turn their life around, we need to keep them off the streets.

What kind of a precedent does it set for teachers to cancel school simply because the students may be less inclined to pay attention? The kids are never inclined to pay attention – that’s why it’s called "school" and not a "water slide park." By this logic, shouldn’t classes be cancelled the day before summer or Christmas break? The kids are bouncing off the walls on those days as well. Of course, if we cancel class the day before break, it actually makes the day before that the day before break, so maybe we should cancel class that day as well...

We need to prepare these kids for what they’ll face when they enter the workplace – a menial job with only a week of paid vacation ... if they’re lucky. If we want to encourage more of these kids to go to college, let’s make them close the school on Christmas Eve – stick around until midnight moping the floors. Welcome to your life without a high school diploma, or with a college degree if you go into the arts.

I’m not one to pile on teachers, who get often blamed for not achieving more with horribly inadequate resources. But isn’t this business of canceling class after Halloween what the self-help community refers to as "enabling"?

But as long as I’m on the subject of teachers, I can’t resist recounting a news item from my homeland.

In the little town of Boone, Iowa, the students have a tradition of TPing teachers’ homes the week of Homecoming. One teacher didn’t want this to happen, so he took matters into his own hands. When a pack of pimply teenagers arrived on his front lawn, he burst out the front door swinging a sword, cutting one student’s hand.

This wasn’t in the published reports, but I have it from a friend whose mother teaches in the district that the teacher was dressed as a ninja while he was wielding the sword. Awesome.

So perhaps today’s youths are more precocious than in the past, be they toilet paper vandals or Three Musketeers junkies. Teachers of America, you have two options. Will you bury your heads in the sand and cancel classes, or come at the problem head-on, dressed as a ninja and wielding a sword? The choice is yours.

Q&A

If you’ll excuse a snooty generalization, promoting dialogue among artists is a good thing. That said, we’ve got to come up with something better than the proverbial Q&A.

If you’ve ever stuck around after an advance showing of a film or play, you probably know what I’m talking about. Some writer, director or actor sits on a stool while the least intelligent people in the room hurl inane questions. The typical Q&A is arranged like a firing squad and about as comfortable to watch.

The most obnoxious moments occur when some misdirected soul begs the artist to read their script or give them an audition. The rest of us squirm in our seats and resent the questioner’s lack of tact and the fact that we all want to ask the same thing. Other moments transcend awkward to reach the level of theater of the absurd. During a Q&A with Oliver Stone at the University of Iowa, one student asked the director: Did he like Ween? Did Woody Harelson like Ween? Does the director have any plans to work with Ween? This line of questioning continued until the student’s microphone was turned off.

Just as out of place, though less entertaining, are those whose "questions" are just grandstanding to show off how much they know. These questions generally last several minutes and include references to things like mis ‘en scene, lesser-known films by Goddard and recent New Yorker articles. When the question finally ends, there are a few moments of silence before the person on the stool asks, "I’m sorry, what was your question?"

But the assholes aren’t only to be found in the crowd – many times they sit on the stool. I certainly understand that sitting up there and suffering the questions of what are often fools is no pleasant task. But if you’re going to bother to show up it should be for some higher purpose than to convince a roomful of fans what a cocky jerk you are.

On the other end of the spectrum is the guy on the stool who nobody wants to talk to. I think the best way to avoid that is not to overestimate your intellectual cache. I’ve been to uber amateur 10-minute plays that ended with a Q&A. Why? Did these well-meaning folks honestly believe that my mind would be so blown in those ten minutes that I would want to discuss it for an hour? Often, these type of events are organized by people who think too highly of themselves and have produced a steaming pile of crap. And I feel it would be poor etiquette to ask "why was your film/play/whatever so terrible?"

In fact, etiquette is the rope that binds me to these events in the first place. Somewhere in my polite Midwestern circuitry, I’m hard wired to believe it would be rude to just get up and leave. Instead, I remain in my seat with teeth and fists clenched praying for it all to be over.

And the truth is, for all the banality of the Q&A, there is almost always at least one insightful comment, be it from the artist or the gallery. At one recent event, playwright Craig Lucas said he never allows anyone to loiter around the stage/set unless they are watching the actors. He feels they throw off the energy of the performances. That clicked with me – something I’ve been aware of but never crystalized into thought. That is a Q&A at its best. Unfortunately, those moments tend to be few and far between.

The spirit of the Q&A is right on, but I just don’t think it plays out in practice. I’ve been to sessions with artists I greatly admire, but I don’t have anything to ask them. I’m not so baffled by the minutia of their technique as I am dazzled by the whole of their achievement. If you actually had the chance to sit down with Bob Dylan, what would you really ask except "how come you’re so fucking good?"

I don’t know what the alternative is, so let’s just look for a way to connect artists and aspiring artists that doesn’t involve a stool.