Now that baseball season is underway, and thank God that it is, I think it's time to lay down some clear rules for ballpark etiquette. Baseball is a very different kind of game, and as such requires certain behavior from the spectator. What follows is a summary of some of the most frequent, egregious fan behavior. Please forward this list to anyone you know who may be "that asshole."
1. Leave your f***ing beach ball at home. I will never understand the reason for paying good money to watch professional athletes, and then spending the entire game bopping a beach ball around until it drops to the lower deck. If you want to play with a beach ball, why not go to the beach? Or perhaps a Mommy and Me class. As if the bopping ball weren't enough distraction, for some reason it always creates a Lord of the Flies mentality in the stands where anyone who loses the ball is to be mocked, shunned and possibly fed to the lions.
2. Let "The Wave" die. Perhaps the only thing more asinine than shifting your attention to a beach ball is standing up and down in unison. I mean, seriously. If kids in middle school exhibited this behavior they would be sent to that classroom where all the kids wear leather jackets and the teacher is a former bouncer. If this is what you do when you're at a baseball game, YOU ARE NOT A BASEBALL FAN. Stay home so I can get a better seat.
3. Don't "boo" a bunt. Strategy is very important, and often this involves some sort of sacrifice to move a runner into scoring position. Don't be one of the morons who "boos" a player for laying down a bunt or a sac fly. This is a sure way to out yourself as not a true fan, just some guy who wanted to wear a polo shirt and have a drink outside.
4. A ballglove is for the kiddies. We're all eager for the chance to catch a ball in the stands. But if you're old enough to drive a car, you're old enough to catch it with your bare hands. There's few things as pathetic as a 39-year-old guy lunging to catch a foul ball with his K-mart mitt. Sure, a hard foul ball might break a bone or dislocate a finger. But bringing a glove to the park is the baseball equivalent of sleeping with a blanky.
5. Give the ball to a kid. The other important piece of foul ball etiquette is to always give any ball you catch to a nearby small child. Sure, we all want to catch the ball. But now you've caught it, so make some kid's day. To find a kid, I suggest looking to the ground, where most of them will be after being bowled over by adult jackasses with baseball gloves. It's a classy gesture and really, what would you do with the ball? Are you really going to put it on your mantle so you can always remember the day that you caught a foul ball from Russell Branyon?
6. Heckling is an art form. This is a touchy issue. There's a fine line between the drunken heckler who's amusing the crowd and rattling the opposing team and the drunken slob who's making everyone look around for the nearest security guard. Whether or not you're working blue, the key is that a good heckle should be original. One good tactic is to feign sympathy for a player, or offer them career advise. The point is, simply shouting F-bombs is just plain lazy. Even more pathetic is to start a chant of "(The other team) sucks." Particularly when the other team is ahead by 15 runs.
And finally, one for the ballpark operators...
Stop playing God Bless America. I know that in 2001 all that patriotic shit gave people goose bumps, but this really has to end. There's no better way piss all over a perfectly fine day at the park than to throw religion and politics in our faces. It's an uncomfortable exercise that comes bundled with all kinds of hooray for war baggage, and who needs it? It's also pretty contradictory for baseball to boast it's growing international appeal and then make all the Latin and Asian American players hear how great America is. Bring back Take Me Out to the Ballgame or even just play Centerfield for the 500th time.
Enjoy the games.
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