I'm Tony La Russa, Bitch!

With this morning's announcement that Tony La Russa, vaunted manager, sunglass enthusiast, is retiring, I thought I'd share this piece I posted at Viva El Birdos.  It's an imagined monologue I wrote when I got home from the bar the night they won the NLCS, combining my conflicted feelings about TLR's style with lots of swears.  If you are not a regular follower of the St. Louis Cardinals, little of this will make sense.  And even then...

I'm Tony La Russa, Bitch!

Whatup, haters?  Remember me?  I'm the guy who traded that hot, young prospect for a bunch of old-ass pitchers and three-month rentals.  How'd that shit work out?  What?  I can't hear you over ALL THE CHAMPAGNE BEING POURED IN MY EARS.

That's right.  I'm Tony La Russa - you better recognize.  When I'm not rescuing baby animals I'm GOING TO THE WORLD SERIES.  I know some of you read that Moneyball crap.  Well tell me this, has "moneyball" ever pulled the kind of crazy shit that I just pulled?  Tell me, seriously, because I have not read the book and only have a cursory understanding of its contents.

Yes, I told Colby Rasmus to take a hike.  Didn't like the cut of his jib.  You know where he is now?  At a karaoke bar in Canada... probably with Scott Rolen and Anthony Reyes.  You don't like it?  I got news for you.  I'm putting together the World Series roster right now, and I'm penciling in Aaron Miles and Cal Eldred.  Believe it.

Did you see how I managed that bullpen?  I managed the SHIT out of it.  For the World Series: No more starting pitchers.  Not enough for me to do.  We will open the game out of the bullpen, and for each batter, I will choose a pitcher who best matches up and/or who has not pissed me off recently.  Call me "The Puppetmaster."  No, seriously, I really would like for that to be a thing that catches on.

If I can be real for just a moment: I know that a manager is always under scrutiny.  There were some dark days for this team when it looked like my ego was driving us into the ground.  So for all those true blue Cardinals fans who lost faith, I'd just like to say, from the bottom of my heart... WASH MY BALLS!  I'M TONY LA RUSSA, BITCH!

Feed Magazine Lives!

Feed Magazine, a very early purveyor of original web content where I was privileged to write, is now back online.  While no new material is being published, the archives, which had fallen into the Internet Graveyard, are now back.

And when I say I was "privileged to write" for Feed, what I mean is I was too young and stupid to realize what a great opportunity it was.  'Twas a time, in those heady days of the dot com bubble, when a young man could write on The Internets... and make a living at it!

The site features a new home page, detailing the history of Feed and notable careers of Feed writers who have gone on to be novelists, writers for The Daily Show, critics for The New Yorker, and other things which make me feel shitty about my career.

I only wrote two pieces for Feed before Pets.com sucked them into the vortex.  At least I think that's how it went down.  Anyway, you can read both of them here.