Must See TV

Have you seen R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet" music video, "urban opera," or whatever the hell it is? If not, you make damn sure that you do.

I realize this thing was released over the summer, so please excuse my belated awe. But if, like me, your finger's not on the hip-hop pulse, you are in for a treat. "Trapped in the Closet" is like a movie serial mixed with the worst song you've ever heard in your life.

In twelve parts, R. Kelly narrates a story by singing everything that's happening on screen exactly as it's happening. As in: "I'm standing in the closet, now I'm opening the door..." Meanwhile, on screen, R. Kelly's character stands in a closet and opens a door. It's not so much storytelling as it is narrative for the blind.

The DVD goes even one step further, with interviews with the actors as their characters. So you can actually watch R. Kelly, with "Sylvester" on the bottom of the screen, say "yeah, I was standing in the closet. Then I opened the door."

As bad as the concept is, the story is worse. The epic serial seems to be about a group of people linked only by the fact that they're all cheating on their spouses with each other. After what Kelly obviously thinks is the gritty truth about love and human nature, the story reaches a moving climax when a midget shits himself. Seriously. But I guess it's the type of romantic advice you should expect from a guy who likes to pee on teenagers.

It's impossible to really describe "Trapped in the Closet." If you were to pause it at any point, and imagine the most ridiculous thing that could possibly happen, you would be surprised to resume and watch something even more absurd. It is so shockingly bad, only the wannabes at Rolling Stone could love it.

I've already said too much. If you want to watch a piece of pop culture trash so sad that you'll laugh, so funny that you'll cry, I cannot reccomend "Trapped in the Closet" highly enough.