Other People's Kids

The problem with other people’s children is you have no legal recourse.

Naura and I faced this problem over the weekend, while visiting The Devil’s home on earth – Hearst Castle. We were unlucky enough to land in a tour group full of kids running around like a pre-pubescent Lord of the Flies, not to mention their parents, who clearly decided to leave the responsibility for raising their young to tour guides and other passers by.

Now some people like to say they’ve never met a bad kid, only bad parents. That is complete horseshit. I have met quite a few bad kids. Maybe it was the parents who didn’t set appropriate limits or whatever, but the wanton destruction – that’s all Junior.

The problem with these parents who just let other people deal with their jackass kids is we don’t complete the deal. Most of us are uncomfortable parenting other people’s kids, so we usually react to their bad behavior with nothing but scornful looks to Mom and Dad, who obviously don’t give a shit. The solution is simple: We need to beat these people’s children for them.

I know “spanking” is a contentious issue, so perhaps parameters should be set by the legislature. But once those standards are in place, we the general public should have no remorse about smacking other people’s kids. I think it should be a Federal statute, but Republicans might push to make it a State thing. Fine. Maybe in Oregon you can only issue a stern verbal reprimand, while in Texas you can backhand the child with a leather strap. The point is we will finally have some acceptable recourse against the punks in the movie theater kicking the back of our chairs.

Of course, I’m not suggesting the negligent parents get off free. I think we need to throw these people in prison. Let’s finally bring some sense to our penal system – release the harmless marijuana dealers and make room for parents who let their kids throw garbage out the windows of a moving bus. Imagine this: A kid does something obnoxious in a public place. The person nearest the kid delivers a government approved beating, and any cops in the area track down the parents and handcuff them. Now that’s a police state I could live with.

And if people are really against the whole corporal punishment thing, we could always just arrest the kids too. It would probably serve as a deterrent to any other brats in the area to see a fellow 6-year-old being held face down against a squad car and maced. The LAPD already uses similar tactics with children, I’m just suggesting they be applied regardless of race.

I know even the best children can be a problem sometimes. As an adult without children, I am even mildly sympathetic to the issue. But it’s important that we acknowledge that many parents take their role no more seriously than the night of recreational sex that created the kid in the first place. When it comes to these people, for the sake of society, I think it’s a moral imperative that we beat and or jail the parents and children. After all, it takes a village.