Farewell to the Varsity Theater

Last night was the final screening at the Varsity Theater in Ames. Coupled with the closing of the Ames Theater more than 10 years back, this leaves Campustown with no theater and the City of My Birth with only two multiplexes.

The Varsity was built in 1938 by local theater owner Joe Gerbracht, and had been remodeled into two smaller screens in the mid '90s.

Even when the theater was bought by Cinemark, management of the Varsity fought to bring art house fare to the screen. When "family-friendly" Cinemark refused to show American Beauty (of all films) on their major corporate screens, it was the Varsity that convinced their overlords to let them show the film, resulting in the theater's best-ever box office returns.

I moved away from Ames in 2002, and hadn't been back to the Varsity since. But I developed a special bond with the theater while I was film critic at the Ames Trib, and did what I could to promote the joint.

The Varsity was by no means the perfect cinematic experience. The 1990s renovation gave the historic interior a generic feel, and the theaters were split into long and narrow, short and wide, respectively. Many nights the operation was a one-man show, leaving nobody to sell you a ticket or popcorn while the reels were being changed.

But whatever the flaws of the theater, it's where I saw some of the films that I still think about today. L.A. Confidential, Fight Club, Pulp Fiction, Monster's Ball, Gosford Park, a packed midnight screening of the MST3K movie - these just off the top of my head.

More importantly, the theater was in Campustown - a part of the community. I could walk there, maybe stop for a beer or a cup of coffee along the way. That kind of experience was already rare when I was growing up. For my son, it may well be non-existent.

Back in the day, I would have railed against the corporate swine who shut the theater down. Don't they understand that art can't be reduced simply to commerce? Where is their sense of duty to the community? But I've worked enough in the industry to understand the thin margins at all levels, including exhibition. And we true believers can't close our eyes clap our hands enough to bring the local theater back to life.

So it's more in mourning than anger that I raise a glass to The Varsity Theater - a noble venture whose time has sadly passed.

Audience Approval

While Fatherland has likely wrapped its festival run, we learned this week that it was the third-highest rated film by the audience at the Port Townsend Film Festival in September.

Audience awards are notorious for Chicago Machine style ballot stuffing, so this is especially encouraging as nobody affiliated with Fatherland was able to attend this festival. They liked us. They really, really, etc.

There has also been a major development on the distribution front, which I hope to post sometime this weekend.

ISFF Award

Fatherland was named Best Foreign Language Period Piece at this year's International Student Film Festival. The festival ran this weekend in Hollywood. Fellow Chapman film The Vaudevillian took home the Grand Jury Award.

The final scheduled festival screening of Fatherland will be this weekend at the Red Rock Film Festival. In the last year, it has played at more than 20 festivals on three continents. Though I was only able to attend a few of the festivals, it's been gratifying to know that on a given weekend the film is playing in some corner of the world.

As Fatherland winds down its run on the festival circuit, the producers are considering distribution options. We hope to soon be able to announce where the film will be available on DVD and the web.

The Princess of Nebraska

On Friday, Wayne Wang's feature film The Princess of Nebraska was posted on YouTube. If not the first time a full-length feature has been distributed this way, it's certainly the first from a director of this caliber.

So while I had nothing to do with the making of this film, it's a notable moment in film distribution. Plus, I thought it would be cool to embed an entire Wayne Wang film on my website. That said, if you're going to watch the whole thing, do yourself a favor and click over to YouTube to watch the Hi-Res version.

Red Rock Film Fest

Fatherland will screen in competition at the Red Rock Film Festival, Nov. 13-16. Also screening will be The Vaudevillian, an excellent film from another Chapman grad, Bryan Nest, which I was able to see at the Siouxland Film Festival.

Macedonia, Hollywood and nearly Greece

Fatherland will be screening at the International Cinematographers Film Festival in Macedonia at the end of Sept., as well as the International Student Film Festival Hollywood in November.

The film was also selected for the Short Film Festival in Drama in Greece, but won't be screening due to some logistical issues. But hey, it's always nice to be invited.

Kevin Bacon Gamesmanship

My friend, the talented Alex Fernandez appears on this week's episode of The Closer, titled Sudden Death. The episode was directed by Kevin Bacon.

This got me thinking that Alex is now only one move away in the Kevin Bacon game. As often happens, my thoughts soon drifted to myself, and I realized that having directed Alex in Personal, I am now a mere two moves from Mr. Bacon.

I'm coming for you, Bacon.

Big Bear Film Festival

In honor of Fatherland's upcoming screening at the Big Bear Film Festival, here's a picture of a big bear.

Port Townsend Film Festival

Fatherland continues its festival crawl, staking its first claim to the Pacific Northwest at the Port Townsend Film Festival.

Temecula and Europe

A few new bits of Fatherland news: Fatherland will be screening at the Temecula Valley International Film & Music Festival in September. Also, programmers for several European festivals who saw the film at Cannes have expressed interest, so we anticipate more screenings on The Continent in the coming months.

Cow and Boy

There's nothing like learning someone who's immensely talented has garnered the success they richly deserve. Mark Leiknes, a fellow alum of Grandma Mojo's Moonshine Revival, is now writing a brilliant comic titled Cow and Boy. Sure, you could read it online, but why not buy the collection from Amazon.com?

Given the continued success of former Mojo's, I am reassured that we were the funniest Wednesday night sketch comedy group at Iowa State in our day. Believe it, friends.

Ira Glass on Creative Work

I don't normally post this kind of thing, but this clip from an interview with Ira Glass is so on-the-nose when it comes to struggling to make great creative work when you don't yet have the tools. And I raise my glass to Mr. Glass for playing some of his own less accomplished work. I know there's stuff in my bottom drawer that I don't ever want to see the light of day.

Fatherland dances with Dances With Films

Fatherland will screen July 29 at the Dances With Films festival, at the Laemmle Sunset 5 in Los Angeles.

And with this news comes a flood of memories, as the Laemmle Sunset was our go-to spot for independent films and a few painful Q&A's. (Is there any other kind?)

Walking up from the parking lot, we'd have to pass this gym that was always being used by at least a few really exaggerated "LA types." Think skin tanned like leather and 60-year-old men and women with closets full of spandex.

I can only hope a few of them will step off their elipticals and walk upstairs to watch Fatherland.

80/35 Festival

Naura, Henry and I were able to check out the inaugural 80/35 Festival in Des Moines this weekend and had a great time.

With a great lineup, perfect weather, reasonable prices and manageable crowd (for a festival), it was without a doubt the best music event I've been to in Des Moines.

I caught the Flaming Lips and a bit of Andrew Bird on Friday night, then Frank Black, Drive-by Truckers and Jacob Dylan on Saturday. If I'd have had the time, I'd also have enjoyed seeing The Roots, Pieta Brown, Poison Control Center and The Envy Corps.

For more photos of the Flaming Lips spectacle, as well as the rest of the festival, there's a great Flickr feed.

Interrobang Film Festival in Des Moines

Fatherland will screen Friday and Saturday at the Interrobang Film Festival. We were also awarded an honorable mention in the Pro/Pro-Am Short category.

Screenings will be Friday at 4pm and Saturday at 5:15pm in the Pappajohn Center. Fatherland will be part of a 1 hour block of other professional shorts. Other films screen throughout the three days of the Des Moines Arts Festival, including Andy Brodie's End of the Sawdust Trail. All screenings are free.

As of right now, I plan to attend the Saturday night screening. If you see me, say hello.

George Carlin

NIN Ghosts Video

Nine Inch Nails recently released a collection of instrumentals titled Ghosts, along with a call for filmmakers to create videos to accompany the songs. My friend (and Fatherland director) Robert Warzecha blended one of the tracks with some beautiful footage, gentle Obama advocacy, and created this film.

If you click through to YouTube, you can also watch it in a striking high resolution format.

My own private radio station

I have taken up arms in the social music revolution and joined the irregulars of Last.FM. In other words, if you scroll down the right hand side of this page, you can now listen to a radio station based on my musical tastes.

For those of us who are no longer young, I'll explain that the service works by tracking the music I play on my home computer. So the music you'll hear is not necessarily the high-brow, arty stuff I say I listen to. No friends, this is the stuff I actually listen to. Stephen King recently pondered this gulf in his Entertainment Weekly column, reckoning his "Best of '07" list with what iTunes told him he really listened to.

But please feel free to publicly shame me if you are subjected to something really trivial and awful on "bgodar radio." I, in turn, will counter that it must have been something Naura listened to.

11 Minutes Ago

I worked with Bob Gebert shortly after he shot 11 Minutes Ago, a feature which was filmed in a single day. Despite the notable quirk of its production, the story is smart sci-fi and I'm glad to see its out in the world and getting attention.

Now playing in Jacksonville and Cannes

Fatherland continues its reign over the state of Florida with yet another festival screening - tonight at the Jacksonville Film Festival. I think this marks the fifth festival appearance in The Sunshine State.

This week also begins Fatherland's screening at the Cannes Film Festival Short Film Corner. Helpful tip for anyone flipping through the Cannes website - if you click the Union Jack at the top of the page, it will translate itself into English. This would have saved a lot of time while I was filling out my contact info, trying to figure out if Godar was my nom or my prenom.

My switch from PC (past Parallels) to VMware Fusion

When I switched from a PC to a Mac, I switched to VMware Fusion to keep all my Windows apps running happily inside my Mac. I've been so happy with the results, I put together the video below as part of a contest promoting VMware Fusion.

Newport Beach Recap

Fatherland played to a good sized house at the Newport Beach Film Fest on Friday night, less than half of whom were family, crew or friends of the production. The 8:15pm slot was pretty cherry, though there were other notable films screening at the same time.

We were part of a program of four war-related shorts that the programmers titled "Full Metal Jacket." I was kind of hoping there would be a least a few walk-outs who came expecting the Kubrick film. It was a cohesive program but man, watching that much war is a bit of a downer. I think we could have used a quirky romance somewhere in the middle. As the program ended, everyone dried their eyes and Rob and I participated in a brief Q&A. The filmmakers were all relatively brief and humble, which may be a first in Q&A history.

The festival continues through this week, but I really enjoyed the bit I was able to attend. My favorite film also happened to be the first I saw - a sensitive and suspenseful short from South Africa called Small Killing.

I spent the last part of my time in SoCal visiting good friends that we see far too little of. It was a real thrill to be back in the area, and I was reminded of many of the great and some of the not-so-great things about that place. But as a visitor, it's much easier to just relax and enjoy the things that make Los Angeles unique.

Fatherland at Cannes

I recently learned Fatherland will be screening at next month's Cannes Film Festival, as part of the Short Film Corner. In addition to any scheduled screenings, films in the Short Film Corner are available for viewing on-demand by festival goers.

I just created an online profile with the festival and don't know too many more details at this point.

Ben's new French phrase of the week: Etas Unis - which means United States!

Next week, learn how to say: Your visual flourishes can't hide the complete absence of narrative.

Newport Screening Info

A week from tonight, I'll be in Newport Beach for the Fatherland screening, along with Director Robert Warzecha. For those friends still in the area, we'd love to see you there.

Fatherland screens at 8:15pm, Friday Apr. 25 at the Edwards Two Theater. It's part of a program of five shorts titled Full Metal Jacket, and it appears each is war related. More info, as well as audience reviews, etc. are/will be available through B-Side. You can also buy tickets online.

If you do see the film, please feel free to write a review. In fact, if you've already seen it, or haven't seen it but feel so-inclined, please flood the site with positive reviews - particularly those which focus on the screenwriting.

More South Florida Screenings

Fatherland will be making its third appearance in the Miami area, May 6-11 at the Delray Beach Film Festival. It previously screened at the Miami and Palm Beach International fests.

Eddy Award

Fatherland screened to a great crowd at the Cedar Rapids Independent Film Festival and was awarded the Silver Eddy in the Pro-Am Short category.

I was able to introduce and watch the screening on Friday night, which looked and sounded great. Sincere thanks to those who stopped by to watch. There seemed to be many at the festival to see the films, and not just to support a film they were involved in. That made the screening much more gratifying as a filmmaker.

I regret that I wasn't able to stick around for Saturday and see more of the films, which sound varied and interesting. I hope to go back next year.

More Southern California Screenings

Fatherland will be screening at the Riverside International Film Festival on April 20th.

Also, I've learned the screening at Newport Beach will be at 8:15pm on Friday, April 25th. I'll be at the screening, as will Robert, and would love to see any familiar faces from the Left Coast.

Viva Siouxland

At the last minute, I made it up to Sioux City Saturday for Fatherland's premiere screening in the great state of Iowa.

The Siouxland Film Festival is a great exhibition of work by regional filmmakers and grad students from across the country. Unlike most festivals, it's really more about providing an enjoyable screening for the public. There's no workshops, Q & A's, nor even introductions of the filmmakers. Instead, the films are just screened back to back in the beautiful setting of the Orpheum Theater. I'd estimate the crowd at at least 300, and unlike many festivals, most of those were NOT friends and family of the filmmakers.

I was very happy with how Fatherland looked and was received by the audience. It was the first time I've seen in on the big screen, and I couldn't have hoped for nicer venue. I was also really impressed with the two other films from Chapman University - Making a Killing and especially The Vaudevillian.

Sioux City! Tomorrow Night!

Looks like the Iowa premiere of Fatherland won't be next Friday in Cedar Rapids - it will be tomorrow (Saturday) night in Sioux City, at the historic Orpheum Theater for the Siouxland Film Festival.

In addition to Fatherland, the program includes End of the Sawdust Trail from the talented Andy Brodie, and several films by fellow Chapman Alums. Take that, AFI! That's how we roll, OC style!

Fallbrook Film Festival

Fatherland will be screening twice in Southern California at the end of April. In addition to the Newport Beach Film Festival, it will now be screening at the Fallbrook Film Festival, north of San Diego.

I will be at the CR Film Fest next Friday night (April 4) for the 7:52 screening. I won't be able to make the Saturday screening, unfortunately. I'm also still hoping to make the Newport Beach Festival, but I'm in a holding pattern until the screening schedule is announced.

I just got back from a recreational trip to Cooperstown, NY and the Baseball Hall of Fame. Growing up in Iowa, I thought I'd seen the middle of nowhere. But Cooperstown truly is the middle of nowhere. Still, it was well worth it to drool over dozens of bats, balls, gloves, pants, etc.

Oh, and I also had a drink with Manute Bol at the Detroit Airport. I recommended the Murphy's Irish Stout and he seemed pleased with it.

CR Screening

Screenings of Fatherland at the Cedar Rapids Independent Film Festival have been scheduled.

It will be shown Friday night, April 4, at 7:52 pm in Theater C, and Saturday afternoon at 2:46pm in Theater A. Further details are on the festival's website.

I'll be there, so if you come out to the screening please say hello. I'll be the guy introducing the film and then evaluating everyone's reaction.

Black Maria Film Festival

I had a chance to see a program of films from the Black Maria Film Festival again this year, and caught a few really exceptional works. Films accepted to the festival tour the country in short programs, playing in classy joints like the Des Moines Art Center.

The Heart is a Hidden Camera is a beautifully shot, moving film in a sort of magical realist style. Not the type of thing I usually go for, but this was really well done.

Phoenix Dance is a documentary about Homer Avila, who continued his career as a professional dancer after losing an entire leg to cancer. It's an 11-minute film smart enough to know that its subject is moving without need for a lot of embellishment. Some of the movements he does are just amazing.

And, if you're looking for a quick laugh that also gives you that warm socially conscious feeling, you could always watch Bodega, available in its entirety at YouTube.

Newport Beach, Palm Beach, Cedar Rapids, Oxford...

It's been a good week for Fatherland, which I've just learned will be screening at several more festivals in the coming months, including Newport Beach and Palm Beach. The schedules aren't available yet, but Fatherland will be screening at:

Cedar Rapids Independent Film Festival: April 4-5
Palm Beach International Film Festival: April 10-17
Oxford International Film Festival: April 11-13
Newport Beach Film Festival: April 24-May 1

As of right now, I plan to attend the Cedar Rapids festival and hope to make it to Newport Beach as well. Hope to see you there.

Fatherland in Miami

Fatherland screened this past week at the Miami International Film Festival in Shorts Program 1: Human Behavior. Also among the seven films in the program were Academy Award Nominee Madame Tutli-Putli, and Soft, winner of an International Jury Prize at this year's Sundance festival. It's gratifying to see my work screened alongside such acclaimed films.

I've also just gotten wind of a couple more festival screenings; I'll be posting the details as soon as I can.

Independent Spirit Awards

As a card carrying member of the Independent Film Project, I voted in this year's Independent Spirit Awards. So, if anyone's interested, my selections included:

Best Feature: The Diving Bell & the Butterfly
Best Director: Julian Schnabel (Diving Bell)
Best Screenplay: Tammra Jenkins (The Savages)
Best Male Lead: Phillip Seymour Hoffman (The Savages)
Best Female Lead: Ellen Page (Juno)

For the record, I was not able to see every film in every category in which I voted. After many moments of soul searching, debating the fairness of casting a vote without consideration of all nominees, I decided it would be much more fun to just vote anyway. Besides, it's not like this is a world changing election, like the presidential race or Best Week Ever.

Among the less commercial indies, I enjoyed Great World of Sound, a first-feature about two wannabe record producers sucked into a pyramid scheme. It pulls a bit of a Borat, by shooting some of its scenes with unsuspecting musicians in the "real world."

Festival Screenings

Fatherland screened Jan. 14 in Pune, India as part of the Pune International Film Festival.

It will also screen Feb. 1-3 in the Treasure Coast International Film Festival, and Feb. 28-March 9 in the Miami International Film Festival.

Fatherland (2008)

In the closing days of World War II, a son returns home to his estranged father. Old tensions boil to the surface when the son learns the father's secret, as the Russian front approaches. (German and Russian with English subtitles)

Directed by Robert Warzecha

Written by Ben Godar

Starring FJ Zentner and Olev Aleksander

Official Site
IMDB
All Fatherland Posts

Since its release, Fatherland has screened in dozens of festivals, including the Miami Film Festival, Newport Beach and at the Cannes Short Film Corner. For information on other festival screenings, check All Fatherland Posts above.

For information on Fatherland distribution, visit Ouat Media.

Trailer and Showcase

I just learned that Fatherland will be screening at the Director's Guild of America on Oct. 16 as part of Chapman University's First Cut Screening. You may reserve a seat for the screening by contacting the Chapman film dept.

Also, the trailer for Fatherland is now online.

Fatherland Premiere Screening

There will be a free Fatherland premiere screening Saturday, May 19 at 2:30pm in the Folino Family Theater at Marion Knott Studios in Orange, CA.

The film technically debuted as part of a showcase of short films on May 4, but the May 19 showing is more of an official premiere for cast, crew, etc. I am unable to be there, but wanted to encourage anybody in the area to stop by and check it out.

Fatherland is a short film I wrote which was directed by Rob Warzecha. It's set on a farm in Eastern Germany in the closing days of WWII, and centers on the strained relationship between a father and son. It is in German and Russian with English subtitles.

Following the May 19 screening, the film will likely hit the festival circuit. For more details on any upcoming screenings, check out the official Fatherland Web site.

Fatherland online

The official Web site is now online for Fatherland, a short film I wrote which was directed by Robert Warzecha.

My script is based on an existing story, set in Eastern Germany in the closing days of World War II. The script was written in English and then translated to be performed by a German and Russian speaking cast. It was filmed in the fall of 2006 and is currently in post production.

The Web site already contains stills and other information about the film. It will be updated with a trailer and screening dates in the near future.

Wild Rose Film Festival

My short film Personal will be making its world premiere (outside of Chapman University) at the 2006 Wild Rose Film Festival in Des Moines. Personal stars TV's Alex Fernandez as a lonely man who places personal ads, but then must take action when a woman literally appears on his doorstep.

I've also been nominated for Best Director of a Mini-Pic for Personal. The festival defines "Mini-Pic" as any film less than 10 minutes in length.

But wait ... there's more. My short film The Persecution of Al Kida will also be screening at the festival. Having previously screened at the Cedar Rapids Film Festival and on TV as part of the Iowa Independent Filmmaker Showcase, this should cement the film's star, TV's Dan Cole, as a household name in the state of Iowa.

The festival runs Wednesday, Oct. 18 through Sunday, Oct. 22. Both Personal and Al Kida will screen during a series of short films on Friday, Oct. 20, beginning at 5:15pm. Tickets are available for individual screenings or for the entire festival, with more info at: http://www.ariesworks.com/schedule.html All screenings take place at The Fleur Cinema & Cafe.

New York Short Short Film Festival

The Persecution of Al Kida is an Official Selection for the New York Short Short Film Festival. It will screen at 3:45pm at the Anthology Film Archive Theater in Manhattan.

The festival showcases films of less than five minutes in length. Categories include Music Video, Documentary and Animation. My film will be competing in the Narrative category.

So, if you're in the Lower East Side of Manhattan this Saturday, May 20, why not check it out? Then afterwards, you can mill around the lobby and talk loudly about how great my film was.

TV Script Quarter Finalist

This morning I learned I was a quarter finalist for the Scriptapalooza TV writing competition. My script was a half-hour spec for Scrubs titled "My Grown-up Pants." It's the first television script I've ever entered into a competition, so I'm very happy with the result.

Iowa Independent Filmmaker Showcase

My short film The Persecution of Al Kida is screening on television throughout Iowa as part of the Iowa Independent Filmmaker Showcase. It is featured in Episode 1 of the series, which is airing on the Mediacom Connections channel. The series premeired in January and continues to air in February. Dates and times vary by market, so I suggest checking your local listings.

I also reccomend checking out 'Round Midnight, a short documentary by my friend and fellow filmmaker Andy Brodie, which is featured in the same episode.

A walking tune

I just got aboard the MP3 player bandwagon, and my little white jukebox is taking me back to my college days. And not just because I downloaded a bunch of Guided By Voices.

What’s really taking me back is the fact that I can take my player with me. Walking across campus, running an afternoon trip to the Post Office – I’ve always got music. And that makes listening a completely different experience.

I used to be a Walkman junkie. In fact, my relationship with handheld music boxes goes all the way back to around the third grade, when my parents bought me a little red FM radio. I had a habit of waking up very early in the morning, and the radio and headset were a great companion.

A few years later I entered the workforce as a paperboy, and soon after got my first Walkman. Walking the same route and lugging a sack of newspaper is a dull way to spend an afternoon, but it’s a much more tolerable experience with music. Those were some formative years, and I’m not proud of the playlist. Bon Jovi, NWA, maybe even a little Paula Abdul thrown in. Then there were the three months or so when I listened to nothing but Appetite for Destruction. I still know every lyric and believe Nighttrain is one of the greatest rock songs of all time.

Through high school and into college, my Walkman stayed on my hip just about anywhere I walked. Whenever I remember the long hike between campus and my dorm, the soundtrack is crunching snow and indie rock.

My walking soundtrack ended soon after, thanks to the compact disc. Sure, I bought a Discman. Didn’t you? Not only did I buy one, I bought into the witch doctoring called "skip protection." At least until I walked out the door and my music started stuttering like a teenage boy in front of a pretty girl.

I didn’t go cold turkey, but my music collection migrated to CD and the only way to listen to a CD was to stand completely still. So it’s been a good seven years or so since I’ve carried my tunes around with me.

It’s not just that a well-picked album hits the spot – that’s true on foot, in the car or in the living room. When I’m walking, there’s nothing else to focus on but the music. That leads to those discoveries that make good music a necessity for good living. Ever since I started listening to my MP3 player, I’m reminded of all the discoveries that came while I was walking.

The first dozen or so times I heard "Desolation Row," it seemed like just a series of clever observations. Then one day, I was passing Alumni Hall at Iowa State when I really heard that last verse. I could try to tell you what it means, but I think it’s better if you just listen to the song. And I suggest you listen while you’re taking a walk.

Outside Baseball

I'm proud to announce my affiliation with a new baseball blog, Outside Baseball. We aim to give The Lord's Game the consideration and scrutiny it deserves, but so rarely recieves from the barking dogs of talk radio. I hope you will make it a regular destination.

Tragic Communication

Like many people, I went to sleep last night believing twelve of the thirteen West Virginia miners survived the mine explosion, only to learn this morning they had not. But as I watch network news correspondents asking mine officials what went wrong, I for one want to ask these news agencies the same thing.

It’s obvious there was a tragic miscommunication between rescue crews and the families of the miners. But what about the miscommunication between network news and millions of viewers?

Late last night, NBC (and I’m sure their peers as well) ran a ticker announcing that twelve of the miners were alive. Did that mean they were alive and out of the mine, or alive and still trapped? It was all a bit vague. So I swallowed my better judgment and flipped to CNN for details. Handsome Anderson Cooper stood right beside the mine, but he didn’t know anything else either. Of course, that didn’t stop these news whores from reporting obviously sketchy information as fact and bringing out their resident "experts" for even more speculation.

I shouldn’t be surprised. The transition from "get it right" to "get it first" has been in motion for years, but even at this low ebb of news reporting last night’s events seem pretty egregious.

The Writing Archive

Suck.com
From 2000 to 2001, I was a regular contributor to Suck, one of the first editorial content sites online, under the pseudonym Alice The Camel. My Contributor Page links to my full-length features. I also wrote a number of the brief Hit & Run pieces that ran during that time.

Ames Tribune
You can read any of my columns for the Ames Tribune here. I also wrote movie reviews, arts features and covered the education beat. Those articles are searchable through the Tribune Archive.

Los Angeles Times Community Editions
I covered the police beat in Burbank & Glendale. Those hard news stories have been moved around as the paper has rebranded its local coverage over the years, but can currently be found in this archive.

Iowa State Daily
My weekly column was syndicated by U-Wire. I also served as Arts & Entertainment Editor and covered a variety of beats. You can read any of it in the archive.

The Effenheimer
The online site I co-founded which aimed to be The Onion of college newspapers. Long since vanished from the interwebs, most pieces remain through the Web Archive. I also wrote a remembrance of our little baby and times past.

Other Freelance Pieces
They Love the 60's for Film Threat
Unfortunately, pieces for Feed Magazine, Television Week, MLB.com and others are no longer available online.

My Political Beliefs

These were my results from an online test of political beliefs. I was in the same box as Ghandi, so I figure that's a good thing. But I was also pretty close to Bono, so I can't rule out the possibility that I am a giant tool. You are a Social Liberal and an... Economic Liberal You are best described as a: Socialist Link: The Politics Test on OkCupid Free Online Dating Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

The Stock Racist

Few things sink a film as fast as a two-dimensional stock character, be it the gay best friend, the renegade cop or the hooker with the heart of gold. But in the last few months I've discovered a new stock character who’s soiling the screen. I’m talking about The Racist.

I’ve known some fairly racist individuals, but I’ve never met anyone like The Racist of modern cinema, who struts around with guns blazing and a racial slur tattooed on his forehead.

It started when I finally saw Paul Haggis’ film Crash. It’s a film about race, and it certainly had some powerful moments, but several characters seemed to be speaking the subtext of bigotry rather than anything I could believe as dialogue. I believe that many white people feel intimidated when they’re approached by young black men; I don’t believe they turn to their companions and say, "these young black men are probably criminals."

Crash isn’t that over-the-top, but at times it veered pretty close. In one particular scene, Don Cheadle’s character meets with a white political operative who throws out black stereotypes like he’s talking about the Knicks game. It’s so brazen that the scene feels like an indictment of bigots rather than a portrayal of one.

It’s that indictment quality that really makes these Racist characters so insufferable. Not that racism shouldn’t be indicted, but most actors or writers worth a damn will tell you that if you judge a character while you’re creating them all you’ll get is cardboard.

Another film long on my to-see list, A Day Without a Mexican, tried to construct an entire film around the stock Racist. The ingenious plot, that one morning all Mexicans living in America suddenly vanish, is spoiled by the banal honkeys left in the wake. It’s a world where uber-ignorant millionaires spew vitriol about Mexicans while their Mexican housekeeper serves them breakfast.

The Racist character has apparently never been to a mandatory staff meeting on multiculturalism, or for that matter ever been told that "wet back" isn’t a term one should shout at the mall food court. It just doesn’t reflect anything I’ve seen in the real world.

There are plenty of racists – don’t get me wrong. But racism tends to be right below the surface. The manager at Denny’s may not hire the black kid, but he’s not so likely to announce to the wait staff "I’m not hiring this kid because he’s black." The Racist character on the other hand is more than happy to make such a proclamation, then go back to shining his belt buckle.

It’s not just that the covert racist is more real, from a writing standpoint he’s a hell of a lot more interesting. Show me a character who says exactly what they feel and I’ll show you a boring ass film. Unfortunately, that’s what I’ve been seeing.

Must See TV

Have you seen R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet" music video, "urban opera," or whatever the hell it is? If not, you make damn sure that you do.

I realize this thing was released over the summer, so please excuse my belated awe. But if, like me, your finger's not on the hip-hop pulse, you are in for a treat. "Trapped in the Closet" is like a movie serial mixed with the worst song you've ever heard in your life.

In twelve parts, R. Kelly narrates a story by singing everything that's happening on screen exactly as it's happening. As in: "I'm standing in the closet, now I'm opening the door..." Meanwhile, on screen, R. Kelly's character stands in a closet and opens a door. It's not so much storytelling as it is narrative for the blind.

The DVD goes even one step further, with interviews with the actors as their characters. So you can actually watch R. Kelly, with "Sylvester" on the bottom of the screen, say "yeah, I was standing in the closet. Then I opened the door."

As bad as the concept is, the story is worse. The epic serial seems to be about a group of people linked only by the fact that they're all cheating on their spouses with each other. After what Kelly obviously thinks is the gritty truth about love and human nature, the story reaches a moving climax when a midget shits himself. Seriously. But I guess it's the type of romantic advice you should expect from a guy who likes to pee on teenagers.

It's impossible to really describe "Trapped in the Closet." If you were to pause it at any point, and imagine the most ridiculous thing that could possibly happen, you would be surprised to resume and watch something even more absurd. It is so shockingly bad, only the wannabes at Rolling Stone could love it.

I've already said too much. If you want to watch a piece of pop culture trash so sad that you'll laugh, so funny that you'll cry, I cannot reccomend "Trapped in the Closet" highly enough.

A kidnapping by any other name...

I understand that journalists, like the rest of us, are often saddled with the bullshit terminology invented by the Government, particularly the Bush administration. It’s why this disaster in Iraq, titanic federal incompetence and human rights violations are called "Operation Enduring Freedom." But we’ve got to draw the line somewhere, and I think it’s got to be at "rendition."

"Rendition" is the word those heroes at the CIA have employed to describe their policy of pulling people off the street in Baghdad, Kabul (and probably Chicago) and flying them to secret bases around the world to interrogate them. That’s kidnapping, plain and simple. There’s just no other way to call it.

Not to get all high school graduation, but Webster’s dictionary defines "rendition" as … well, a lot of things – and none of them have to do with kidnapping. The closest definition seems to be "a surrender." Is that really what’s happening here? I suppose when you put a black bag over some guy’s head and throw them into the back of an unmarked van, the victim does "surrender." But to label that entire chain of events "rendition" is missing the forest for the giant pile of steaming bullshit.

Why not just rename assassination "happy love hugs." Is that any less ridiculous?

Fearless Leader has responded to questions about kidnapping by re-iterating that the United States does not torture, as if by the force of his declaration all photographic evidence to the contrary will disappear into the ether. But even if we give Dubya the benefit of the doubt, does that make things any better? Kidnapping people without even formal charges and flying them to secret prisons seems pretty damn reprehensible to me whether their nuts are hooked up to car batteries or not.

But as reprehensible as government officials have been in this whole affair, we don’t exactly come out smelling like a rose, either. We aren’t bound by royal decree to adopt the doublespeak of the Bush administration. Just because their corporate masters don’t like additional taxation of multi-millionaires doesn’t mean we all have to call it the "death tax."

And no matter what their internal memos and slippery press officers say, we sure as hell shouldn’t start calling kidnapping "rendition."

The not-so-awful Truth about Home Theaters

I can remain silent no longer. This will no doubt cost me whatever street cred I now have as a film aficionado and general person of taste. More and more people are shunning the Movie Theater to watch films on there ever more powerful home theater systems.

And I don’t think that’s a bad thing.

Patrick Goldstein’s article in today’s LA Times is only the latest to prophesy the end of the Movie Theater. For his part, Goldstein focuses on the impact on the business side of the equation, which I don’t doubt will be revolutionary. The Talent (writers, actors, etc.) get a ridiculously small cut of DVD revenue, so the move toward home exhibition will no doubt lead to some bloody contract negotiations.

But leave the business models to the suits. What I’m interested in is if going from the multiplex to the home theater is a bad thing for we the filmgoers.

Your local cinephile would have you believe this is catastrophic. They’re fond of pointing out that movie going has historically been a collective experience, something that can only truly be experienced in that idyllic darkened room where a hundred other people hold their breaths at the same moment. It’s a beautiful ideal, but I’m not so sure that it’s true, or that it has much to do with the experience of watching a movie.

First, the obvious: A lot of things about going to the movie theater suck. Cell phones, commercials, $7 popcorn – you know the litany of complaints. I think a lot of this gets overblown, and I’m not so sure that going to a movie is any more annoying than it ever was. But the point is that the ideal world of the darkened cinema rarely manifests itself.

Beyond quibbles over the moviegoing experience, I question the whole notion that the big dark roomful of strangers is essential to enjoying a film. I’ve been moved by films I saw in a theater, absolutely. But I’ve been moved at least as often by films I watched on a television set. The first time I saw Taxi Driver was on a 13" TV with the sound turned down low so as not to wake my friend’s parents. And it was amazing. To this day it’s one of the most powerful, striking films I’ve ever seen. And I’ve never watched it in a movie theater.

So if a film retains its impact outside a cinema, what’s the importance of that roomful of strangers? A movie may be more fun with a big group of people, but that’s true of most things – sports, drinking, sex. The cinephile’s love for the Movie Theater is as much about liking to hang out in crowds as it is about the experience of watching a film.

The one thing the theater has going for it is immersion. The whole thing about the darkness, a really big screen (if you can find one) – that is a great way to experience the film as intensely as possible. And that’s where home exhibition can fall short. Watching a movie with all the lights on, talking on the phone and balancing your checkbook. That’s a sub-par experience if ever there was one. And what’s this business of watching TV (and maybe movies) on an IPod? I’m not sure it’s possible to immerse yourself in a screen the size of my Visa card.

But the Home Theater Movement, if that’s what you want to call it, is actually working to correct many of the problems with watching a film NOT in a theater. A big screen television with a solid surround sound system can create an experience at least as intense as the AMC 16.

I don’t want to see theatrical exhibition disappear. There is something unique about that experience. But is it superior? Is it the ultimate, definitive way to enjoy a film? I don’t think so. I prefer to focus more on the film than on the room I watch it in.

Inside the NFL

I've known for quite a while how good Inside the NFL is, but until I re-subscribed to HBO a few months ago, I didn't really know how good Inside the NFL is.

I've been trying to get back into the NFL for a few years now. Back in the days before jobs, wives and other complications, I was your typical kid who knows everything that's going on in the NFL (and MLB, NBA, Big-10...). Over the years I've scaled back on everything except baseball, the Lord's game. But I have missed that kinship with the NFL. I tried Fantasy Football. I tried watching Fox NFL Sunday every week. Nothing really forged that connection - until I started watching Inside the NFL.

The main thing is the highlights. Inside the NFL puts together each highlight package with the cinematic gusto of NFL films. The segments are expertly edited, favoring cameras on the field and sidelines to the bland, "best plays via Tivo" approach of other networks. It gives the games an epic feel.

But as stirring as the visuals on Inside the NFL are, where the show really separates itself is on the audio side. Unlike every other NFL program on television, HBO's analyst desk isn't populated by ridiculous former players and their legion of drooling wannabes. Whether it's Chris Berman's banal pop culture references, Terry Bradshaw's "aw shucks" redundancies, or Michael Irvin's painful "I know what it's like to be a player" schtick, there's a lot being said but not much worth saying. Most of the commentators on the other networks are guys I wouldn't listen to at the bar, much less on my television.

If there were a network that presented every sporting event with commentary from Bob Costas, I would watch it. The man is intelligent, articulate and not afraid that being so will lose him any street cred. Cris Collinsworth is a formidible intellect himself, and it's great to see him liberated from the Bradshaw/Howie Long circus on Fox. As for Dan Marino and Chris Carter ... well ... let's just say they don't take anything away from Costas and Collinsworth.

There's a lot of good programming on HBO. But as great as Curb Your Enthusiasm, Extras, Real Sports and the rest are, Inside the NFL is worth the price of admission.

Don't criticize what you can't understand

If, as I did this morning, you hear the plaintive warble of Bob Dylan's "The Times They are a Changin'" coming from your television set - turn it off. Unless you happen to be watching Martin Scorcese's recent documentary, you are about to be treated to a commercial for Kaiser Permanente, and a musical mortal sin.

I'm not one of these puritanical music snobs who believes simply using the song in a commercial is an afront. If the man's got something to sell, he may as well play me some good music while he's doing it. But twisting Mr. Dylan's words, in possibly the most iconic rock song EVER, that's inexcusable.

If you haven't seen the atrocity, the commercial features some old bastard going about his daily routine. Eventually, we see him jogging and doing other healthy stuff, and the commercial ends with the words "Be Your Own Cause." You've got to be f***ing kidding me.

Be Your Own Cause? The message is clearly "wasn't it quaint when we used to have ideals? Now, let's just take care of ourselves." Who wrote this garbage, the Republican National Committee? Oh wait, they never had ideals. But I guess it's not enough that our defining national trait is egocentrism, now we have to elevate it to the level of idealism.

"What's that, you're an advocate for social change? Well, I'm an activist myself. I'm trying to drop 13 pounds from my ass."

Of course, it's exactly the same contradiction Tim Robbins spoofed in his brilliant film Bob Roberts, where a Republican politician/folk singer sings "The Times are Changin' Back." All Kaiser Permanente has done is remove irony.

Whether you're a college freshman standing on a street corner with an anti-war sign or just someone who occasionally questions the status quo, "The Times They are a Changin'" is a song that resonates with a sense of better days ahead. It's a song that thumbs its nose at cynicism and wears its heart on its sleeve. To poke fun at the song's earnestness for no better reason than to promote healthcare management, whatever that evil shit is, makes me sick.

This is the most offensive remarketing of a great song I can remember in a commercial, but it's far from the first. Do you think Iggy Pop's "Lust for Life" was a passion for Royal Carribean Cruises? Was "London Calling" the Clash to buy a Jaguar? Did Janis Joplin really want someone to buy her a "Mercedes Benz?" And what's with all these ads using Nick Drake songs? As if I'm not already thinking about suicide while I'm watching commercials.

It's really not that I mind good music in commercials. I'd rather listen to Bob Dylan than Jessica Simpson in any setting. But if advertisers want to handle the goods, they need to show some damned respect.

Vote No on Everything

As a service to readers living in the State of California, I feel it is my civic duty as a self-published, marginally-informed pundit to offer my endorsements for Tuesday’s special election: Vote No on Everything.

I’m not just suggesting Vote No in order to be rebellious or anarchistic. I’m not suggesting Vote No because it’s "cool." I suggest Vote No because ballot initiatives are lousy policy, giving the power to the people. And have you met the people? The people are morons.

In all seriousness, I understand why people like the idea of ballot initiatives. "Cast your vote and take back control from those pin-heads in (Sacramento, Des Moines, wherever)." But the fact is we live in a representative democracy. Unless we decide we want to head to our local church or elementary school on a weekly basis to vote for every piece of proposed legislation, all these initiatives do is tie the hands of our elected officials and create a mess down the road.

An example?

I was the education beat reporter in Ames, Iowa during a stretch of budget cuts. So I spent countless hours in the back of School Board and other committee meetings with a notepad, pencil and look of sheer boredom. But I did learn a few things.

Each school district’s budget, like the state budget itself, contains many programs that cannot be cut under any circumstances. The reason is often because they were mandated by ballot initiative. I’m sure the people who voted to mandate special education or after school programs felt they were doing a good thing – but there’s a problem. Nobody ever passes an initiative mandating math classes. After all, the school would never cut math classes, right? But when it’s time for budget cuts and all those special programs are untouchable, guess what gets the axe? No new protractors this fiscal year.

These mandatory spending bills are only one type of voter initiative, but they illustrate the larger problem with the system. Voter initiatives create rigid, often arbitrary barriers that are difficult to correct.

The sheer volume of the problem in California is staggering. Every ballot is weighed down by a series of often-conflicting initiatives. On last year’s ballot, Propositions 60 and 62 both dealt with whether or not voters should be allowed to vote for any candidate regardless of party affiliation in a primary election. Rather than one Proposition to which voters could vote yes or no, voters had to vote yes to one and no to the other oppositely worded proposition.

The result? 14 percent of voters voted either yes or no for both. That’s a lot of confused voters dictating state policy.

And let’s not forget the most offensive voter initiative in recent memory – the California recall election. Governor Gray Davis was removed from office by the same voters who elected him just a year before. Was there corruption? Had Gray Davis broken the law? No. Voters just didn’t like him that much and/or wanted to see Arnold f***ing Schwarzenegger in office. So now we’ve got a buffoon muscle man in office while our economy continues to tank. Thanks, voters.

I for one am sick of sorting through the mess of ballot initiatives and even more sick of the horrible legislation they create. So from now on, I’ll Vote No on everything. Measures I support, measures I oppose – it doesn’t matter. I’ll Vote No on the entire, broken process.

Coming Down is the Hardest Thing

I generally don’t buy into the notion that kids these days have it easier than in the old days. Are things different now? Certainly. But when people lament that "things ain’t like they used to be" they tend to employ a pretty selective memory. That said, this business of canceling school the day after Halloween ain’t the way things used to be.

I’m aware of at least a handful of districts in Southern California that cancelled elementary classes on Tuesday because the kids would be too hopped up on sugar to concentrate. Maybe this has gone on in the past, but this is the first I’ve heard of it. My reaction: What a load of bullshit.

I don’t doubt the candy rush makes these schools more like methadone clinics on Nov. 1. But I say that’s all the more reason to get these children to school, where they can get the help they need. If anything, the schools should bring in more drug counselors for all the kids who start crying, fighting or soiling themselves. If an addict is going to turn their life around, we need to keep them off the streets.

What kind of a precedent does it set for teachers to cancel school simply because the students may be less inclined to pay attention? The kids are never inclined to pay attention – that’s why it’s called "school" and not a "water slide park." By this logic, shouldn’t classes be cancelled the day before summer or Christmas break? The kids are bouncing off the walls on those days as well. Of course, if we cancel class the day before break, it actually makes the day before that the day before break, so maybe we should cancel class that day as well...

We need to prepare these kids for what they’ll face when they enter the workplace – a menial job with only a week of paid vacation ... if they’re lucky. If we want to encourage more of these kids to go to college, let’s make them close the school on Christmas Eve – stick around until midnight moping the floors. Welcome to your life without a high school diploma, or with a college degree if you go into the arts.

I’m not one to pile on teachers, who get often blamed for not achieving more with horribly inadequate resources. But isn’t this business of canceling class after Halloween what the self-help community refers to as "enabling"?

But as long as I’m on the subject of teachers, I can’t resist recounting a news item from my homeland.

In the little town of Boone, Iowa, the students have a tradition of TPing teachers’ homes the week of Homecoming. One teacher didn’t want this to happen, so he took matters into his own hands. When a pack of pimply teenagers arrived on his front lawn, he burst out the front door swinging a sword, cutting one student’s hand.

This wasn’t in the published reports, but I have it from a friend whose mother teaches in the district that the teacher was dressed as a ninja while he was wielding the sword. Awesome.

So perhaps today’s youths are more precocious than in the past, be they toilet paper vandals or Three Musketeers junkies. Teachers of America, you have two options. Will you bury your heads in the sand and cancel classes, or come at the problem head-on, dressed as a ninja and wielding a sword? The choice is yours.

Q&A

If you’ll excuse a snooty generalization, promoting dialogue among artists is a good thing. That said, we’ve got to come up with something better than the proverbial Q&A.

If you’ve ever stuck around after an advance showing of a film or play, you probably know what I’m talking about. Some writer, director or actor sits on a stool while the least intelligent people in the room hurl inane questions. The typical Q&A is arranged like a firing squad and about as comfortable to watch.

The most obnoxious moments occur when some misdirected soul begs the artist to read their script or give them an audition. The rest of us squirm in our seats and resent the questioner’s lack of tact and the fact that we all want to ask the same thing. Other moments transcend awkward to reach the level of theater of the absurd. During a Q&A with Oliver Stone at the University of Iowa, one student asked the director: Did he like Ween? Did Woody Harelson like Ween? Does the director have any plans to work with Ween? This line of questioning continued until the student’s microphone was turned off.

Just as out of place, though less entertaining, are those whose "questions" are just grandstanding to show off how much they know. These questions generally last several minutes and include references to things like mis ‘en scene, lesser-known films by Goddard and recent New Yorker articles. When the question finally ends, there are a few moments of silence before the person on the stool asks, "I’m sorry, what was your question?"

But the assholes aren’t only to be found in the crowd – many times they sit on the stool. I certainly understand that sitting up there and suffering the questions of what are often fools is no pleasant task. But if you’re going to bother to show up it should be for some higher purpose than to convince a roomful of fans what a cocky jerk you are.

On the other end of the spectrum is the guy on the stool who nobody wants to talk to. I think the best way to avoid that is not to overestimate your intellectual cache. I’ve been to uber amateur 10-minute plays that ended with a Q&A. Why? Did these well-meaning folks honestly believe that my mind would be so blown in those ten minutes that I would want to discuss it for an hour? Often, these type of events are organized by people who think too highly of themselves and have produced a steaming pile of crap. And I feel it would be poor etiquette to ask "why was your film/play/whatever so terrible?"

In fact, etiquette is the rope that binds me to these events in the first place. Somewhere in my polite Midwestern circuitry, I’m hard wired to believe it would be rude to just get up and leave. Instead, I remain in my seat with teeth and fists clenched praying for it all to be over.

And the truth is, for all the banality of the Q&A, there is almost always at least one insightful comment, be it from the artist or the gallery. At one recent event, playwright Craig Lucas said he never allows anyone to loiter around the stage/set unless they are watching the actors. He feels they throw off the energy of the performances. That clicked with me – something I’ve been aware of but never crystalized into thought. That is a Q&A at its best. Unfortunately, those moments tend to be few and far between.

The spirit of the Q&A is right on, but I just don’t think it plays out in practice. I’ve been to sessions with artists I greatly admire, but I don’t have anything to ask them. I’m not so baffled by the minutia of their technique as I am dazzled by the whole of their achievement. If you actually had the chance to sit down with Bob Dylan, what would you really ask except "how come you’re so fucking good?"

I don’t know what the alternative is, so let’s just look for a way to connect artists and aspiring artists that doesn’t involve a stool.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend

After writing with glee when the Cardinals pulled within one game of the NL Championship, several folks have been kind enough to ask my thoughts now that they're out of it and that team from Houston is in.

The truth is this: I am not happy about it.

I am a Cardinal loyalist, and I believe in following that to its logical extension - being a National League loyalist. I root for the NL in the All-Star Game and in the World Series. After all, what's good for the league is good for the team, etc., etc. Not to mention the whole Designated Hitter thing, which taints the AL like an assault conviction on a preschool teacher.

But I am also a petty, petty man. Therefore, I find myself pulling for the White Sox and reveling in the Astros recent disasters. In a month, or maybe even two weeks, I think I'd be cheering for the 'Stros. But the wound is so fresh that I want to see those punks get their asses flogged.

It has been pointed out to me that an Astros win would look better for the Cardinals. It would mean that they were only beaten by the very best team in baseball. I accept this logic but refuse to follow it. The power of reason cannot satiate my thirst for revenge.

Enjoy the World Series ... unless you're an Astros fan.

The Great Pujols

Monday was the kind of a night that makes being a team fanatic worthwhile.

The evening began with my beloved Cardinals (a.k.a. The Greatest Team in America) trailing 3 games to 1 to some punk team from George W. Bush's home state. I slumped into my couch with a beer and a sense of impending doom.

Just before the game began, the phone rang. It was my parents calling to remind me that baseball is just a game and not worth causing damage to my heart, mind and soul. I appreciated their concern, though it made me realize my fanatacism must reach the realm of addiction to cause such an intervention. I also suspected they had spoken to my wife.

Maybe it was the phone call, but I watched Game 5 with much less passion than the first part of the series. When the Astros went ahead 1-0, and then again 4-2, I didn't cuss with a ferocity that caused the cat to hide in the bedroom and my neighbors to consider calling the police. The Astros success seemed like more of a foregone conclusion at that point. Call it a defense mechanism.

I stayed passive when David Eckstein punched out a base hit with two strikes and two outs in the ninth. When Jim Edmonds stepped to the plate, I didn't pray for a homerun. I just watched each pitch as intensely as I could, expecting every one to be the last of the season. Every honest Cardinal fan will tell you they saw Jim Edmonds striking out as clearly as if it happened - but it didn't.

Few times are fans rewarded with something as mythic, as perfect as Albert Pujols titanic homerun. It wasn't a fly ball that carried into the seats. This thing was epic. I swear it was still rising when it hit the plexiglass windows on the other side of the train tracks.

That's the flip-side of true fan devotion. For suffering countless moments of rage, humiliation, frustration, despair, not to mention the concerned intervention of loved ones, the true fan is rewarded with moments of unchecked euphoria. It's like mainlining adrenaline.

It's a common justification of abusive relationships to say you need the lowest lows to feel the highest highs, but at least in baseball it is true. And don't try to tell me Albert Pujols isn't the greatest player you've ever seen.

The Worst of LA: The Best of LA

The stacks of what look like phone books at every bus stop can mean only one thing: LA Weekly's annual "Best of LA" issue has hit the news stands. Some of the southland's hippest writers have indexed what's what in the City of Angels - now if I could only understand what the hell they're talking about.

Simply dividing the gargantuan issue into sections like "restaurants" or "bars" apparently wouldn't have been hip enough. Instead, the issue is marked with headings like "encounters" and "terrain" - each chapter sounding like the name of a shitty bar. I've got nothing against a little creative design, I just don't want to flip through 200 pages of porno ads to find where to get a cheeseburger.

But it's not just the spine of the issue that lacks coherence. Rather than highlighting the best spot to take a hike, or the best taco stand, each entry is a stream-of-conscious rant only tangentially associated with some person, place or thing in LA. It's like reading a AAA Guide written by Jack Kerouac - or rather, a AAA Guide written by twentysomethings who won't shut up about Jack Kerouac.

Every entry seems to be a navel-gazing first-person essay on the beautiful pain of being artistic, poor and underappreciated ... oh yeah, and in Los Angeles. Here's my favorite opening line: "Distraught, displaced, dispossessed individuals walk in a zombie-like daze." See what I mean?

I realize that I'm just a hopeless square for failing to see the beauty of this "Best of LA" issue. Can't I see that the truly great things about LA are the little moments we pass by every day, like a paper bag blowing in the wind? No, what I'm advocating is just another boring "Best of" list. I can't deny that the five pounds of pulp I hold in my hand is more inventive than that. But if the editors wanted to publish a 400-page undergraduate literary journal, why call it the LA Weekly's "Best of LA 2005"?

I enjoy reading Hunter Thompson or Tom Wolfe, but not every written word can be gonzo. If someone writes down directions for me, I hope to God they don't start with "It was already midnight and the mescaline was beginning to wear off."

Lord knows there's a lot wrong with the mainstream press. So I often turn to the alternative press in hopes of finding something better, but sadly, I rarely do. If they take on issues the mainstream rags won't touch, I say thank God. If they want to blend in more literary approach, I say fine. But the tone and content tend to be so self-congratulatory, so smugly "alternative," that the information often boils down to nothing but "we're hip, are you?"

If only the alternative press would dazzle us by being plugged-in, not aloof, with sharp observation instead of vague musing, with plain-spoken truths instead of abstract cliche. That might be a phone book worth picking up - porno ads and all.

Sportscaster Correction #153979

Sportscasting has somehow become the one bastion of journalism where it is completely acceptable at all times to make observations and statements of fact that have no basis in reality whatsoever.

Before Game 3 of the ALDS Friday night, Joe Morgan (among others) remarked that Yankee's Starter Randy Johnson is a "big game pitcher." For the record, Johnson's post-season record is 7-8, and his ERA in division series is well over 4.00. Those numbers are not particularly impressive, but because Johnson is a big-time superstar pitcher, he must also be a "big game pitcher," right? After Johnson gave up five runs in less than three innings, of course the talk was that this was a very unusual outing for Mr. Reliable.

An incident during Thursday's Cardinals/Padres game was even more wince-enducing. The Cards went to the bullpen for a left-hander late in the game, with Tony LaRussa going to Randy Flores instead of his usual guy, Ray King. Steve Phillips and the others in the ESPN booth spent about the next five minutes talking about how Ray King must have fallen out of favor with LaRussa, and how a manager can't worry about hurting a player's feelings. Then, after the game it was learned that Ray King's father died the night before the game. So I suppose that could have been the reason Tony LaRussa didn't ask him to pitch, but screw the facts, let's just do some more speculatin'!

Saturday Night Dead

For at least as long as I've been watching Saturday Night Live, people have complained that the show isn't as good as it used to be. Some of the complaints can be chalked up to simple nostalgia, but in the last few years it has grown impossible to deny that the flagship of sketch comedy is sinking.

As a true believer in the beauty of sketch, I take offense at the standards of writing and performance that air Saturday nights at 11:30. I've done my tour in the bush leagues of sketch and have friends who are still cutting their teeth at the Groundlings and elsewhere. So, am I a pro? No. But I do know what good sketch comedy looks like.

Most sketches are either character or concept pieces. A few years ago, SNL became obsessed with trying to turn concept sketches into character sketches. Take the cheerleader sketch Will Ferrel and Cheri Oteri - a funny one-off concept sketch. But because the bit hit once, they did a dozen or so more variations of exactly the same skit. Same jokes, same setup, same everything. Goth Talk, Mango, The Lovers - it's tough to recall a funny concept that didn't turn into a never-ending loop of the same damn thing.

But the days of repetition gave way to something even worse. The dominant structure for recent sketches seems to be to come up with a zany character and then just have them clown around. What the hell is supposed to be funny about Tracy Morgan's Brian Fellows character, or Maya Rudolph's Donatella Versace, or anything performed by Horatio Sanz? These skits have all the comic sophistication of one of the fraternity brothers putting on a wig and a skirt.

There will always be skits that bomb, or concepts that look better on paper, but in many recent SNL sketches it's impossible to tell what the joke is even supposed to be. If you watch closely, you'll notice a few seconds of pause between when the sketch ends and when the crowd applauds. Why? Because the sketches are so directionless, so lacking in structure, so wholly unsatisfying that it's hard to know when they're over.

I know what most of you are thinking - if SNL is so lousy, why don't you just stop watching? You're right and I wish I could. But as bad as it gets, I keep coming back for more. I'm in an abusive relationship with SNL. I just wish the writers and performers would go to counseling so things would be like they used to be.

Jaa Rule

The thing about kung-fu pictures is, you either get them or you don't. Or, perhaps it should be put that you either love watching people kick ass or you don't. Me? I love watching people kick ass.

And few people kick ass like Tony Jaa. I recently got around to watching Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior, and the feeling is like the first time I saw Jackie Chan in Rumble in the Bronx. Like Chan, Jaa does things with his body that have to be seen to be believed - all without wires or stuntmen.

In addition to Jaa's superb athleticism, the physicality is striking because Jaa practices Muay Thai. I'm far from an expert in the martial arts, so I'll sum up Muay Thai by simply saying it involves a lot of knee and elbow strikes and is stunning to watch.

Ong-Bak does the genre right by framing the spectacular fight sequences with a simple, straight-ahead folk tale. A valuable object is stolen from a small village. The villagers are forced to send their best fighter to the city to retrieve it, etc., etc. The characters are all familiar archetypes, but they all do just enough to keep the story moving and the focus on the action.

It's not an "important film" or something that will resonate in your soul days after, but for a graceful and fresh martial arts film, you'd be hard pressed to find its equal.

Even if the Saints go marching in

I love metaphor as much as the next guy, but I am convinced that even if the New Orleans Saints win the Super Bowl, the city will not magically emerge from rubble and wipe away all memory of Hurricane Katrina.

Most sportscasters do not seem to share my view. From one side of their mouth, they muse how insignificant sports seem in the wake of human tragedy. But from the other side, they suggest that a win by the Saints or the LSU Tigers could inspire the huddling masses yearning to be dry. I don’t doubt that a Saints win could boost the spirit of a displaced Saints fan, but the sentiment seems too close to sending Rambo back to Vietnam so that "this time we can win."

The same thing happened in the wake of 9/11, with many suggesting that a New York Yankee win in the World Series would be good for America. But it belies the tragedy of these events to try to cast a rematch as Yankees vs. Terrorists or Saints vs. Hurricane. Recovering from these events is complex and impossible to quantify. But that doesn’t mean we should throw our hands in the air and be satisfied with "Saints win."

I guess it shows that even in times of national crisis, we can find a reason to throw our unqualified support behind enormous corporate interests. I don’t find that comforting.

Bio

Ben is a filmmaker, freelance writer and Professor of Theater & English. Born and raised in Iowa, he earned a BA from Iowa State University and later an MFA from the School of Film & Television at Chapman University.

His short films have been screened at independent festivals and on television, while his screenplay Cooking Live won the Cecil B. DeMille Award from Chapman University. As a columnist and film reviewer, his work has appeared in such publications as Television Week and Film Threat. He has also worked as a staff writer for daily newspapers including the Los Angeles Times.

Since 2005, Ben has taught courses in film, theater and English at several colleges. He currently lives with his wife Naura in the Los Angeles area.

Personal (2006)

HD video
Color
5:13

George spends his days alone in the house he shared with his mother. He tries to reach out through a personal ad, but when a real woman comes into his life, will he be able to respond?

Written & Directed by Ben Godar

Cast: Alex Fernandez, Melody Doyle

The Persecution of Al Kida

2004

16mm
Color
4:30


Al always lived a normal life. Now he can't leave the house without causing a commotion. After learning he's not alone, Al tries to regain control of his life.

Cast: Dan Cole, Maximilian Mastrangelo, Di Burbano, Sean Kehoe

Screenings:

New York Short Short Festival, 2006

Cedar Rapids Independent Film Festival, 2005

Aired on statewide television as part of Iowa Independent Filmmaker Showcase, 2006

The Persecution of Al Kida on IMDB

Nefarious Design

Like most sound-minded Americans, I stand in awe of this newly hatched scheme THEY call "Intelligent Design." But it's becoming clear to me that there are two distinct parts to this movement, and the more harmless sounding one is the one we should be worried about.

The core "theory" behind intelligent design is just a more sanitized version of the creationism pill they've been trying to get us to swallow for years. After reading several explanations of the theory, I think it can best be described as: "Dude, the world is, like, so complex, there must have been some super dude that created it all." The notion is so anti-scientific in its reasoning, I just don't see it as a serious threat to our national sanity. If anything, it's the last salvo of the extreme Christian right to force their origin story on the general public.

But there's something more covert in these intelligent design arguments. The theory itself is being swept under the rug as proponents play the "all points of view should be taught" card. It's a clever way to throw the pluralists own arguments back in their faces. George W. employed the tactic during his recent, highly-publicized remarks. Despite some reports that Bush layed alms at the altar of intelligent design, all he really said was "I think part of education is to expose people to different schools of thought. You're asking me whether or not people ought to be exposed to different ideas, the answer is yes." It sounds harmless, but it's not.

Many Americans still hold deeply racist beliefs. That does not mean that their opinions, based solely in bigotry, should be taught as an "alternative" during a history lesson on the civil rights movement. But that's the logical extension of this intelligent design rhetoric. The fact that so many Americans believe in some kind of God means that belief has a place in society, not necessarily in a science class. Bringing intelligent design into a science class doesn't introduce an alternative scientific theory, it introduces an alternative to science. It's the equivalent of a math teacher saying "Don't believe in geometry? Try sociology."

Or what about a lesson on ghosts? Most people believe in ghosts, so why not follow a lesson on human physiology with a lesson on ghosts? "Okay, now that we're done talking about mitosis, who knows how to kill a Wolfman?"

As someone currently teaching middle and high school students, I can also say that this argument is completely impractical. There's a reason that Comparative Religion classes are taught in college, even then at the 300 or 400 level. Middle and High School students don't generally have the intellectual maturity to juggle these concepts. The average high school student is able only to follow a basic chain of causality, with an understanding that there is more than one point of view. They work hard to grasp concepts like evolution from just the scientific standpoint, let alone some other paradigm.

There's a big difference between being open-minded to all viewpoints and demanding your viewpoint is presented in every situation. If you want to believe something akin to intelligent design, fine, more power to you. That's what Sunday School is for. But if you want your religious beliefs presented in every class, including science and P.E., that's what home schooling or Utah are for.

Just read the scores, monkey

Talk radio is full of barking idiots, but even the Rush Limbaughs of the world must cower before the awesome ignorance that is sports talk radio.

From time to time, I'll flip the dial to 710am, our local ESPN Radio affiliate, in the misguided hope of hearing some scores or other useful information. But I've come to realize that it's only called "Sports Radio" because "a bunch of jackasses talking about nothing" wasn't catchy enough. Whether it's a nationally syndicated show or some local scrubs, every show is nothing but some guy running his mouth with nothing to back up his argument. Opinions are like assholes, and so are Sports Radio DJs.

I don't even mind so much when their groundless rants are at least about sports. The other day I heard Colin Cowheard assert at least a dozen times that football coaches make a bigger impact than baseball coaches. I don't know that there's much of a point to that argument, and it seems to be contradicted by guys like Tony LaRussa and Sparky Anderson, but whatever. The thing is, 90% of the time these buffoons aren't even talking about sports.

Tonight I listened to 10 minutes of these guys reading the names of bizarre phobias and then making asinine comments. "Did you know there's such thing as Papaphobia, fear of the Pope?" (Sound effect of a cow mooing for no f***ing reason) They topped that only by making a joke about how the French always surrender during war. If that's biting social commentary, I don't know what isn't.

But nothing tops a recent episode of the Joe McDonnell show, during which the hosts read an account of six people being killed at a cock fight in Mexico and giggled like school girls. Now I admit a cock fight can be a great source of comedy, but graphic accounts of people being stabbed to death isn't the best source for lame-ass one-liners.

You will hear more misinformation about politics in 45 minutes of Sports Radio than Fox News can cram into an entire day - and they're really trying. Why is the debate over the supposed bias of news agencies like CBS and NPR when these sports DJs blurt out something that is blatantly false every 15 seconds?

I don't begrudge a man for being ignorant. In truth, most of us are when it comes to most things. And if you feel the need to share your crackpot theories with those around the lunch counter - more power to you. But to spout that garbage over the airwaves in the second-largest media market in America - that just makes you an asshole.